Every Tuesday I write about all of the hot gossip that happens on the streets in Neverland, Ohio.
Subscribe so you don’t miss a beat!
If you have a hot tip for me, let me know using the form to the right.
Every Tuesday I write about all of the hot gossip that happens on the streets in Neverland, Ohio.
Subscribe so you don’t miss a beat!
If you have a hot tip for me, let me know using the form to the right.
Party Patrol. There was a lot of build-up to Sarah-Jane Lakewood’s NYC engagement party this week. After she enlisted security help from Teresa Delacruz and Sheriff Lestrade, the Neverland Fate Stalkers were called to expand their normal matchmaking duties to include public safety. They may be lovers, not fighters, but Neverland stayed quiet except for a few rustling shrubs.
A Michaelstone! Kensington Chronicle’s resident advice columnist and vlogger Michael Darling celebrated his 100th episode of Dear Darling this week. His unique blend of heartfelt advice and off-the-wall antics have made for quite a run. Here’s hoping he’ll have a hundred more great episodes – maybe guest starring his sister and new boss-in-law Wendy!
My Fair Soiree. As expected, Ms. Lakewood’s engagement party was quite the event! The guest list included Cecco, Ed Teynte, her roller derby crew, Marvel executives, Chris Pratt and Mermaid Lagoon. Neverlandians in attendance were Wendy Darling, Jas Hook, Sheriff Lestrade, Bri Valdivia, Nanny Ams, and Fish Girl Pond. The surprise of the night was when Special Guest Julie Andrews came out of retirement to sing to the couple.
Editor-in-Grief. If you have been keeping up with the paper through this difficult transition, you may be missing a certain voice. If the Kensington Chronicle is the heart of Neverland, then John Darling is the heart of the Kensington Chronicle. We here at the paper miss his passion and commitment, and look forward to his return! Now back to my absolutely filthy desk…
All My Single Landies! A certain gossip columnist promised to feature sexy singles in her column sometime. Well, carpe date ’em! If you’d like to be mentioned, DM me with a little bio about yourself and what you’re looking for in a significant other. Summer’s coming to an end, and as that crisp fall weather approaches, we all deserve someone special to cuddle up to.
RIP Wes Craven
New Paper. If you haven’t already heard, JHMedia has bought the Kensington Chronicle. It’s definitely a little weird around here, but we are optimistic that the new merger will allow the Chronicle to keep both its integrity and its place in the hearts of Neverlandians. It’s pretty well known around town that the paper has been going through some hard times. While it’s difficult to imagine the paper being run by anyone but the Darlings, the important thing is that it’s still here.
Reapply Your UnBlock. The members of the local band Fish Girl Pond were seen with some friends at the Jolly Roger taking a break from touring and songwriting for some much needed R&R. Nanny Ams, Mia Rivers, and Rowan O’Connor joined them over plates of nachos and bowls of ice cream. Word has it the band is working on some new material. Perhaps they will debut a new song at Sarah-Jane Lakewood’s engagement party this week?
Sign Language. Wendy Darling started her book tour here in Neverland last week. Locals lined up outside of Neverland Books to get their hands on some of the first copies of her new book “Ask Wendy!”. The local, soon to be national, celebrity was gracious and charming as she signed books for everyone who showed up and a few extras for those who couldn’t be there.
Beyond the Pale. Even though it’s the end of summer and most of us are sun-kissed or just downright red, there have been a few new residents of the paler variety. Maybe they’re Scandinavian? But I never knew Scandinavians to have such a thirst for tomato juice. Well, thankfully, Teresa Delacruz seems to know how to keep those Scandinavians in line. And don’t worry, she’s back from her vacation to Chicago with Neal. Even Scandinavian wranglers need a little fun in the sun.
Bagha Tricks. Local entrepreneur Lily Bagha is having a bad week. Just as word leaked that she and Peter Pan were all but finished, her company was taken over in a hostile move by JHMedia. Bagha Industries had gone public earlier this week, flooding the market with its stocks. Apparently, this was a gamble. The company stood to make a huge profit while they risked someone buying up all the stocks and have the controlling share of the company. This is exactly what happened when Jas Hook swooped in and immediately booted Lily Bagha out.
Star-crossed. Sarah-Jane Lakewood and fiance Alfie will be celebrating their engagement this Friday. It should be a swanky party – the only catch is that it is taking place in New York. The couple’s families and circle of Hollywood friends will be in attendance. Word has it they are flying in Mermaid Lagoon for the occasion. The party will be a throwback to 1920s glamour with New Orleans cuisine and endless champagne. So, if you can hop a plane (or convince Sarah-Jane to share her jet), you probably should!
Boy in Blue. Neverland couldn’t be happier with its new Deputy Sheriff G. Harrison Lestrade. One resident said, “I feel safer knowing that Deputy Sheriff Lestrade is on the case, keeping our town safe. And it helps that he’s cute.” Another pledged to make him her famous chili cheese tacos stating, “Well, that’s his nickname isn’t it?” Yes, yes it is. Thanks for your constant vigilance, Deputy Sheriff Tacos! Let us know how those chili cheese things turn out!
No More ‘Hot Piece’ Roles
New Lost Boy
Theodore the Snake
The Love Edition
We all know that Neverland is a magical place, and not just because of fairy dust and the Forever Gardens. Quite simply, Neverland brings lost souls together. One wouldn’t expect a small, relatively quiet town like Neverland to attract so many people from so many places. Usually you find such melting pots in big cities like New York or Los Angeles, where wandering people are drawn like moths to a flame and all too often get burned. But, those who venture to the heart of the country instead of away from it will find in the middle of Ohio a haven like no other.
The idyllic beauty and small town charm of Neverland allows those lost souls to become whole. Here, they can be whoever they chose – an ice cream maker or a detective, a book shop owner or a gossip columnist. And when they can express themselves the way they want to, they are open enough to attract the kind of love they deserve. Being relatively new to Neverland, I am still getting used to this new way of being. However, I can’t help but be inspired by all of the love I see around me. This week I want to focus on the couples that are the heart of Neverland.
#MEli The romance of Mia Rivers and Eli Traynor is especially dear to my heart, because I totally called that sh*t from the very beginning. Some might say they are an unlikely pair, a sweet bookworm and a horse-loving cowboy, but you know the saying. Rhymes with composites contract. After a slightly rocky start punctuated by some misunderstandings and cross-country crises, they are back on track. Or should I say, back on horseback?
#Tabri Bri Valdivia and G. Harrison Lestrade (nicknamed Agent Tacos) had your everyday, run-of-the-mill workplace romance. They just happened to be super-spies with the FBI while they were doing it. Both have since given up glamour and danger for a more settled life here in Neverland. Bri owns Neverland Books and Agent Tacos has become Deputy Sheriff Tacos. Yet no matter how normal their lives have become, their love is the stuff of fairytales (or spy novels).
#Jodie Jo and Freddie Wentworth may have been keeping a low profile this summer, but they have good reason. As new parents to baby Lillian, they certainly have their hands full. Having just celebrated the first year of their marriage, the couple is going strong. Their little family is a joy to behold. When will little Lillian have some playmates, hmmmm, other couples?
#TheifSlayer Teresa Delacruz splits her time between Neverland and Cleveland, attending to her slightly mysterious slayer duties. So, it would make sense that she would date somebody from outside the Neverland circle. After attending the Midsummer Ball with a red herring of a date, Teresa announced that her heart had been stolen by someone else. He was a charming thief (figuratively and literally) named Neal and the two have been inseparable ever since. Guess it’s her sacred duty to keep an eye (and some hands) on a possible threat at all times?
#Jesley Juliet Carpenter and Wesley Parsons may have the most soulful connection here in Neverland. They have fought valiantly through distance and demons (just figurative) to be together. After meeting in a very trying set of circumstances (Juliet saved Wesley from a violent kidnapping), no one knew if the two could make their love last. But finally, after much debate, Wesley made the brave decision to give Neverland a chance so he could be with his Juliet.
#Salfie This nickname is unofficial, but it works perfectly for a couple that is constantly in the media. Sarah-Jane Lakewood and her fiancé Alfie live the high-life as celebrities who jet in and out of Neverland. Alfie likes to keep a low profile, but Sarah-Jane is very active in the community. Everyone became a part of their romance when Alfie proposed to Sarah-Jane on the dance floor at the Midsummer Ball. They will be having an engagement party later this month!
Next up is the sexy single’s edition…unless everyone’s already paired by then!
The Laura Ingalls Wilder Road Trip
John Oliver Sex Ed Video
Fanny and Henry
Neverspear In Love. This is why we love being Neverlandians! Everyone in town turned out to support Peter Pan in his artistic pursuit this past Thursday. Auditions took place on Wednesday, and with only a day’s notice actors took the stage the next night. John Darling, Michael Darling, G. Harrison Lestrade, Teresa Delacruz and Rowan O’Connor joined the cast along with Mr. Pan while Elsa Fairy, Lorelie Williams, Fish Girl Pond and yours truly helped bring the production together. Everyone celebrated a job well done with a toast at the Jolly Roger after the show.
Book It! In case you haven’t heard, Neverland’s own Wendy Darling is starting her book tour here in town at Neverland Books this Saturday at 1:30PM EST. So grab some brunch and come get in line for your very own signed copy of her book Ask Wendy! Advice on Life, Love & Living. If you can’t wait until Saturday, check out excerpts from the book at jhmediaworld.com.
Horse Play. Apparently, horses are the new black. This week saw two surprising horse cameos. After Mia decided to stay in Neverland, we all thought things had calmed down for the book store maven. That is until Eli Traynor rode up to her front door on a noble steed and made the maven into a maiden. In Panlet, the Ghost of Pancules played by G. Harrison Lestrade rode in on a horse as well. This mount was provided by Lorelie Williams who generously stayed behind to help shovel manure after the show.
Partners in Crime. It seems an unlikely duo has formed in the fight against crime. Barely a week into taking the position of Deputy Sheriff of Neverland, G. Harrison Lestrade has unofficially teamed up with Cleveland-based Slayer Teresa Delacruz to take on the forces of evil. Mr. Lestrade has been making quick work of the petty criminals in town, but has turned to the supernatural expertise of Ms. Delacruz when things skew to the spooky. Rumor has it the Neverland County Sheriff Office may be opening a paranormal investigation unit.
Engaging Affairs. Sarah Jane-Lakewood has announced that her engagement party will be taking place on August 28th. If trends continue it should be quite the romantic affair. As the summer is drawing to a close, it seems almost everyone in Neverland has paired off. First of all, I would like to assure all of those as single as me that those couples can’t sing “Single Ladies”. Second of all, I would really like to collect a comprehensive list of couple nicknames…Go!
Silver Petticoat Review
The Gender Bear
Hearty Party. Everyone had a great time at the Jolly Roger Soda Ship 100 year Anniversary Party. Aimee and Katie served up an endless supply of delicious sweets and treats. Throughout the day patrons answered trivia about the shop’s history in between socializing and listening to a set by Fish Girl Pond. Neverlandians in attendance included Wesley Parsons, Juliet Carpenter, G. Harrison Lestrade, Bri Valdivia, Mia Rivers, Nanny Ams, Teresa Delacruz, and many more.
Whiplash Woman! A few days ago, Neverlandians were tearfully bidding goodbye to one of their own. Word on the street was that Mia Rivers would be moving to Denver to work as a paralegal. She was even spotted having an intense conversation at the Jolly Roger with one Eli Traynor. Perhaps seeing how much her would-be suitor cares made her change her mind because just as everyone had gotten used to the idea of her leaving, she changed her mind!
Bromances and Sisterhoods. While G. Harrison Lestrade and Wesley Parsons have moved into a bachelor pad of their very own, the ladies of Neverland could be heard far and wide having another Karaoke Party. Everyone was happy to celebrate Mia’s decision to stay in Neverland. Even new-mom Jo Wentworth made an appearance with her little baby Lilian.
Play Time! You’ve heard the whispers, and we at the Chronicle can assure you that it’s true. Peter Pan’s Performance Pieces (P4) will be having a live performance this very week. Peter Pan’s “Panlet” debuts at the Neverland Theatre this Thursday at 9pm EST, August 6th. It may even feature some of you, valued readers (and future stars!) Look below for more info…
Auditions will be held tomorrow, Wednesday 8/5. If interested, please contact Peter Pan on Twitter (@PetersPanels) and indicate which character you want to try out for. No sides at the audition, simply prepare a monologue of your choosing. Scripts will be distributed after final casting decisions have been made.
Ghost of King Pancules – The former King of Nevermore, slain by his duplicitous brother, Jas Vader. The spirit of Pancules appears to his son, Panlet, in hopes that he will be avenged.
Queen Gwendolyn – King Pancules’ widow. Not complicit in her late husband’s murder. In danger of succumbing to her brother-in-law, Jas Vader’s, romantic advances.
Jas Vader – Brother to King Pancules, perpetrator of murder most foul. Usurper of the throne, and a contender for Queen Gwendolyn’s heart.
“Single Ladies” by Beyonce
Once Upon a Time
Harry Potter’s Birthday
Ten Delicious Decades! As mentioned last week, the Jolly Roger Soda Ship is celebrating its 100th anniversary tomorrow, July 29th. The crew will be hosting an all-day party at the shop with yummy treats and music from Fish Girl Pond. In addition, shop owner Aimée Jolie will be posting an extensive history of the shop, chronicling its decades-long presence in Neverland and it’s ever-evolving role as a gathering place throughout the tumultuous twentieth century in America.
Reality Bites. Since the return of Jas Hook and Wendy Darling to Neverland, some Neverlandians have been tuning into the JHMedia Livestream to learn more about the company (and feed their curiosity about the power couple). Last Thursday those same Neverlandians witnessed a shocking confrontation between Hook and Neverland’s favorite son Peter Pan. Peter came across as, for lack of a better word, a bully. It will be interesting to see how he handles his new notoriousness. Is the play really the thing?
Get me to the Church… Sarah-Jane Lakewood set a date for her nuptials to fiance Alfie. Neverlandians, mark your calendars for August 15, 2016 in New Orleans, Louisiana. Should be a hot ticket! As in literally very hot. August in Louisiana hot. Lakewood says invitations will be going out soon. Don’t give her honeymoon advice if you want to make the list!
Changes of Heart (and Location). Teresa Delacruz has relocated to New York City with her boyfriend Neal. Though everyone will be sad to see less of her, we wish her the best with her new life. And if you’ve stopped by Neverland Books lately, you’ve probably noticed that Mia Rivers still has not returned to her post. You only have to look so far as her tumblr to find that she’s currently residing at a crossroads between Neverland and Denver. Though not always an easy thing to do, try to follow your heart where it leads, Mia!
New Sheriff in Town. G. Harrison Lestrade has been offered the job of Neverland’s Deputy Sheriff pending a background check. But, since he comes directly from the FBI, that shouldn’t be a problem! While we’ve had to say goodbye to a couple of Neverlandians, we are excited to welcome him and accountant Wesley Parsons (who’s looking for a roommate!) to the community full time.
Local Blues. Neverlandians were dismayed to read last week’s editorial in which John Darling, assistant to the Editor in Chief, opened up about the Kensington Chronicle’s financial difficulties. As a recent hire, this gossip columnist found the the article especially distressing. However, it’s been encouraging to watch Neverlandians gather around the paper in support. Many citizens have pledged to pick up subscriptions and the Neverland Care Center guaranteed that copies of the Chronicle would always be available in its waiting room. Keep supporting local news!
Mermaid in Chelsea Creek
NASA’s New Earth
McKellan and Stewart Recite Swift
Love Rivangle. While most Neverlandians were utterly charmed by the return of local boy turned international success Jas Hook, one Neverlandian may not be. Peter Pan has been seen and heard around town making his feelings clear about the arrival of his, well, rival. It seems a bit childish to use such terms, but we all know our Peter has a youthful spirit. Word has it he may be channeling this spirit into a theatricalization of his feelings at the Neverland Theatre. Whichever team you’re on, this event should be too entertaining to pass up.
Holy Mole-y! The Fate Stalkers have been out in full form braving the summer heat for love. (Though maybe it isn’t so brave since they carry their shade around with them.) Most Neverlandians were happy to see them out and about, but some thought they were getting a little bushy – I mean, pushy. Word has it things got heated between the Stalkers and Bertie Screever after he threw a banana peel into a shrub-covered Stalker. However, things have a way of working out. Through this altercation, the Fate Stalkers met their newest member, the recently inducted Dole the Mole. As far as we know, this is the first animal Fate Stalker.
On the Move… Neverland Books has been minus one of its own this week. Sources say Mia Rivers made a hasty trip to her hometown of Denver, Colorado. No word on when she’ll return. In other news, Neverland may have a new sheriff in the coming weeks. Apparently, the prime candidate is as one deputy put it “very overqualified for the job.” Things have been pretty quiet in Neverland this summer, but it’s better to be safe than sorry!
Taco Time! Bri Vivladia, Agent Tacos and friends had a Taco Night this past Friday on Big Bear Rock. Sources say it was mostly couples sipping on sangria and taking in the beautiful summer night. Eli Traynor escorted Mia Rivers, Juliet Carpenter brought Wesley Parsons, Nanny Ams came with Bertie Screener (before he was scared away by some overly friendly Fate Stalkers.)
Drama Club. Neverland’s own celebrity Sarah-Jane Lakewood continues to bring Hollywood glamour and histrionics to this small town. Hearing about Peter Pan’s possible plans has sent the actress into what some people have called a full movie-star meltdown. It seems she’s as formidable an enemy as she is a friend. While she’s been declaring herself against Peter Pan, she has been pulling strings to get another friend of hers a job. And all her friends are looking forward to her upcoming wedding which will be held at the Champagne Place in New Orleans.
100 Bottles of… Jolly Roger Soda Ship’s 100th Anniversary is coming up at the end of the month. The Neverland institution announced the upcoming celebration this week. They will be hosting an all day extravaganza on July 29th from 10AM to 10PM featuring music by Fish Girl Pond. Can’t wait to see (and taste) what delicious concoctions they come up with to celebrate!
Clueless Tour of LA
Lovely Little Losers
Work it. Things have settled down considerably in Neverland since the week of the ball. Maybe it’s the sweltering heat, or maybe it’s the depleted wallets, but Neverlandians across the board have been getting back to work. Apparently, Juliet Carpenter is working out of Wesley Parson’s accounting office these days. Happy those two are making a go of it! And word on the street is that Agent Tacos is looking for a job. Seems to me any business would be lucky to have a trained FBI officer!
Chocolate-Covered Catch-up. Wendy Darling, Neverland’s erstwhile advice blogger, is officially back in town! Early last week she caught up with some of her old Neverland pals at the Jolly Roger. While everyone was excited to see Wendy and her fierce new haircut, the big attraction was her fierce new arm candy. She brought along JH Media mogul and professional heartthrob Jas Hook. He regaled the group with tales from the city and pretty much charmed the pants off of everyone. I mean, sources say.
Nerdy-landians Abroad. Some lucky Neverlandians traveled across the country this weekend for Comic Con in San Diego, California. Becca Rodriguez and Drunk Austen (such a unique first name…is it Dutch?) tweeted updates from the ground so that those of us stuck in Ohio could enjoy the action. Some of the fan favorites this year were Outlander, Batman vs. Superman, Star Wars, Supernatural, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and a little video blog about some people we know.
Painting the Town. Just as this gossip columnist was about to shuffle on home and drown her slow news week in a bottle of wine and some Netflix, she spotted something that made her journalist heart go all a’flutter. In front of Neverland Books, one Mia Rivers and one Eli Trainer were engaged in a full out paint flirt – ahem – fight. A little spying revealed that the dashing Texan was helping Ms. Rivers hang the new sign over the shop. Mia’s dress may have lost the battle, but hopefully love is winning the war!
Shrubbery is the New Black
Sleep No More
The Night Circus
Go Set A Watchman
Midsummer Ball Special Edition – Scroll down for the Ball’s Fashion Photo Spread!
A Lovely Night. Neverlandians gathered on Thursday night for the 2nd Annual Midsummer Ball. The night was a smashing success. Though some townsfolk worried that this sophomore outing wouldn’t measure up to last year’s festivities, they were soon mollified and amazed by this year’s ball-to-the-wall bash. With the help of Lily Bagha’s generosity and the Party Planning Committee’s dedication, Neverlandians enjoyed more music and more spectacle than ever before. Check out the photospread below for the ball’s fierce fashion!
Party Plural. The main event of the week may have been the ball, but Neverlandians didn’t stop there. This week was jammed with social events. Before the ball, the Fatestalkers threw a singles mixer. The day after the party, a group of Neverland ladies was spotted (and overheard) at the new karaoke bar in town belting out such girl anthems as Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off”, Shania Twain’s “That Don’t Impress Me Much”, and that old Spice Girls favorite “Wannabe.” And of course, Neverlandians spent the weekend celebrating Independence Day with flag pies, fireworks and red, white, and blue everything!
Wenderful News! For those who haven’t heard, Neverland’s own Wendy Darling has returned home to Neverland to launch her book tour! This is great news for Neverland – in fact, rumor has it the Neverland Chamber of Commerce is creating a new tourism campaign to take advantage of all the visiting fans. Friends and fans alike can catch up with Wendy at an informal welcome home celebration later this week. Keep your ears open for the date and time!
Love Bugs. No bugs had to be planted by this gossip columnist to pick out the couples in the room on Thursday night. Everyone wants their Cinderella moment at a ball, and, happily, a large amount of Neverlandians got just that! Juliet and Wesley were seen sharing bites of ice cream, a charming cowboy made a last minute appearance to dance with a book shop belle, and Bri was seen dancing with Agent Tacos back early from his assignment. And in the most romantic moment of the night, Sarah-Jane Lakewood received a proposal from her boyfriend Alfie.
Sweet Treats. The ball was also an opportunity for local entrepreneurs and artists to share their creations with the community. Fish Girl Pond wowed audiences with a set that included new and old favorites. Their new song “Island Dangers” offered a driving beat and a catchy chorus while the haunting “On the Inside” pulled at the heartstrings. Jolly Roger Soda Ship pulled out all the stops with an endless buffet, an ice cream bar, and the prettiest pastries and desserts imaginable. And I may have absconded with several of Rowan’s Skull Rock Sea Salt Cheesecake Truffles in my purse. Shhh.
Pride and Protocol
Scandalous!? Neverlandians’ reactions were mixed to the first publication of this column. There was a lot of support but also some uncertainty. Just know that we here at the Kensington Chronicle are trying to shake things up and add a new dimension to our beloved Neverland. No one knows what that crazy, free-spirit of a gossip columnist Ms. Skylights will be up to next!
Rainbow Connection. All across town, Neverlandians celebrated the Supreme Court’s decision to recognize marriage for gay Americans. “Their hope,” Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote, “is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.”
Making Music. You may have seen all the members of Fish Girl Pond at The Jolly Roger yesterday. They, along with friends, were writing lyrics to some new songs. Hoping we’ll get to hear some of their new tunes at the Midsummer Ball on Thursday. Sources say they may be welcoming a guest member on stage with them that night, our very own Michael Darling.
Celebration Station! We at the Kensington Chronicle wish Sarah-Jane Lakewood a happy birthday, and Freddie and Jo Wentworth a happy anniversary. Sarah-Jane was spotted around town celebrating with her family, while sources say the Wentworths celebrated in private. Definitely a fan of this couple and their cute little baby girl. #Jeddie or #Frejo?
Destination Wedding. We missed some Neverlandians this week as they traveled out of town for Eric J Wihite’s wedding to Kate the Bookworm. Sources say the literary-themed wedding was both creative and touching. The Blind Date with a Book was a huge hit. An elated Kate quoted the heroine in another epic romance, Jane Eyre, saying, “Reader, I married him.”
Match Made in Neverland? As we all know, Neverland is a magical place. Some have likened it to Camelot, that once-in-a-generation place that embodies all the ideals of its citizens. Broadway wrote, “In short, there’s simply not a more congenial spot for happily-ever-aftering than here in Camelot.” Well, that goes for Neverland too. Some of our citizens may be doubting that at the moment, but if they stick around they just may get that happily-ever-after.
Fly Ball! It’s almost here folks. The Midsummer Ball will be this Thursday at the lagoon! Sources say that Mia Rivers, Lily Bagha, and the rest of the Party Planning Committee of Neverland have spared no expense and no waking hour to make this thing amazing. So bring your prettiest dresses, your hottest dates, and your best dance moves because next week’s Neverspeak will be a special Midsummer Ball edition featuring all the best moments of the night.
Confederate Flag Down
The Royal We