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Neverspeak Weekly 4/18/17

Dear Neverlandians,

I needed to break the traditional structure of this column because this is a really special week. The last few months have been challenging for all of us as we watched our paper (and in some ways our town) become something we weren’t familiar with. Jas Hook had the best of intentions when he tried to take the Chronicle to a global level, but the truth is, Neverland can’t be bottled. It’s a rare place, uniquely its own – a sort of Camelot, or Brigadoon, or Narnia perhaps. In all my adventures across America, and Europe, and (upcoming!) Asia, I have never seen and will never see its like. But, wherever we go and whatever we do, we’ll always carry Neverland in our hearts. And we can share a little of its magic by continuing to represent the qualities that make it so great.

Kindness. Neverlandians welcome all who come here with open arms and inquiring minds. Whatever their occupation, inclination, or species, those who come to Neverland find friendship, fun, and understanding. The Neverland Fate Stalkers exists solely to facilitate the process of falling in love – that bush next to you isn’t just a topiary, it’s your own personal matchmaker. And Neverland Wish Granters raise money to make Neverlandians’ dreams come true!

Community. It seems like every other week, we’ve all gathered at the Jolly Roger Soda Ship to listen to Fish Girl Pond or to celebrate some sprecial occasion. At Neverland Books you can find a story to fuel your imagination or a sympathetic ear from Bri or Mia. Lola will teach you how to ride, Amanda will tell you your fortune, and Enya Rose will keep you fit. Wherever you are in town, Sheriff Tacos and Slayer Teresa Delacruz make sure our town stays safe.

Creativity. We make things here! Katie will make you the best ice cream you’ve ever tasted (in wild flavors like Pan Punch). The Darlings are always writing something, be it insightful, zany, or derrière related. Juliet Parsons builds beautiful houses, Aria Griffiths dances, and we are all acting in Broadway level productions like Panlet and The Wedding Crashers.  Also, this girl I know writes this fabulous column that keeps track of it all…

Magic. In case you missed it, we got a lot of fairies here in the land of Never. Besides the irascible Tink (just recently crowned The Fairy Queen!), many residents have shown a supernatural inclination. Little Lilly-Jane can be seen constantly flying out of Jo and Freddie’s arms. Amy and Nanny Ams (who is mysteriously missing!) have been coaching brand new fairy Aria and may need to offer their wisdom to Teresa who has sprouted wings of her own.

Love. The thing that makes Neverland stand out to me the most is all the love. There must be something in the water (or in all that fairy dust). Soulmates just seem to find each other here. We’ve witnessed the weddings of Mia and Eli Traynor, Juliet and Wes Parsons and soon Bri and Sheriff Tacos and Teresa and Neal. More recently, true love has found Gemma and Anna, Aria and Charlie, and Peter and Wendy. And if the sight of John and John walking around town arm in arm doesn’t make your heart grow three sizes, you need more fairy dust!

We may not be able to take Neverland with us on our journeys across the world, but we can always hold onto the things that make it special. Be kind to yourselves and others, find your people and make room for the unexpected additions. You never know who you greatest friends, allies and inspirations will be. Keep using those beautiful imaginations to tells stories and express what’s in your heart. Never stop believing in magic, and don’t forget that it all comes from love. As long as you keep coming back to that very simple truth, you will never be far from Neverland, Ohio.

Love, love, love,


Posted in Editorials, Neverspeak
Posted on April 18, 2017

Neverspeak Weekly 4/11/17

Will You Marry Me…Right Now? Last Friday night, while the rest us were wondering why we don’t have a better social life, the most romantic thing ever was happening across town. In the woods outside his new house, Wesley Parsons proposed to Juliet Carpenter. According to some local fairies, this was only the beginning of a magical night. The moment Julie said said yes, a select group of family and friends popped out of the bushes (why are there always bushes whenever anything romantic happens in this town?). The groom and the group put on a surprise wedding for the pair complete with full wedding regalia, a delicious feast, and an intimate reception.

They’re Not Gonna Take It. Neverlandians across town are seething about the recent changes at the K-Chron. In a bold move, Jas Hook fired advice columnist and ex-fiance Wendy Darling, assistant to the editor John Darling, and whatever-she-was-this-week Lily Bagha, a close friend to the Darling family. CEO Jas Hook explained that what happened was not at all personal but a purely business decision.  He explained, “The K-Chron needs to go in a new direction and the Darlings are holding it back.” This hasn’t stopped the rallying cry of “Save the Darlings!” from taking the streets and shops of Neverland. The Neverland Wish Granters even changed their grand opening on Friday to a #SavetheDarlings Solidarity Party.

Ferris Approved. Neverlandians turned out last Wednesday for an 80’s themed bash celebrating Enya Rose’s birthday. Teresa decorated local pizza joint Shakey’s with posters of famous 80’s movies and lots and lots of neon. Leg warmers, parachute pants and tutus all made a comeback and the night ended with a screening of the classic John Hughes film “The Breakfast Club.”  In case you didn’t get enough partying in, just a reminder that Agent Taco’s Bachelor Party is happening this Friday at 7PM! Don’t think it’s 80’s themed, but I’m sure Mr. Bueller would still be on board.

Play It Again, John. John Darling isn’t letting unemployment get him down. After reading a pile of awesome submissions, the once-editor-in-waiting has chosen to produce “The Wedding Crashers” by Teresa Delacruz and Gemma Willoe. Casting will take place this week. If you’re interested in auditioning, tweet to @JNDarling indicating which character you’d like to play, with the hashtag #NeverlandAuditions, and then present a monologue of your choosing. See below for details on the characters! Please submit your monologue no later than 11 p.m. this Thursday, 4/13. The show will take place this Saturday, April 15th, at 6PM Eastern followed by an after party of epic proportions. This is one Neverland event you do not want to miss!


Pandora – our brave heroine, in love with Westley, she must fight for her love
Westley – ruggedly handsome, in love with Pandora, but duped by Jasmine
Jasmine – the villain, that vile witch which keeps these lovers apart
Bear Moon – the man in the moon, who shines the truth on deception
Tiger – anyone who is willing to dress up in a tiger costume
Clergyman – this is self-explanatory

Sinking Ships
Refugees Got Talent
Twelfth Grade

Best Tweet Ever
Gina Retweeted
JenAshleyWright @JenAshleyWright 21 Jan 2015
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Tagged with: , , , , ,
Posted in Neverspeak
Posted on April 11, 2017

Neverspeak Weekly 4/4/17

Hail to the Chief. After a well-deserved vacation, Neverland’s own version of George Bailey made a triumphant return to his version of Bedford Falls. As always, the venerable editor-in-chief of the now defunct Kensington Chronicle had words of wisdom that inspired everyone he came in contact with. Jacqueline Viana said, “What I learned from @GDarlingEIC today: FINISH YOUR SCRIPT. PITCHING IT IS ANOTHER STORY, BUT FINISH IT. #BestPepTalk. Khaleesi in Asgard said after her run in with the GD, I REALLY need to get back to work on my novel. Finish that first draft ONCE AND FOR ALL. Jessica James summed up George’s new retirement point of view, “Happy thoughts on creating without fear – and rethinking adulting.” Even though it has been hard to go on without Mr. Darling, his absence has seemed to make our hearts grow fonder.

Fight and Flight. Ever since Aria Griffith’s dramatic fairy transformation at the Spring Fling, lips and wings have been flapping about the tiny dancer. Unfortunately, this seems to have put a strain on her relationship with her best friend Anna Berry. Multiple sources have told this gossip columnist that this have gotten a little explosive between the two. Of course, things seem to be rather explosive in general around the brand new fairy – fairy puberty is nothing to joke around about. Remember middle school? Well, just add magic. And wings. Godspeed, Aria!

Work Hard, Play Hard. Some Neverlandians will be surprised to hear that the K-Chron’s John Darling will be producing a local play. Many will remember Peter Pan’s smash hit, Panlet from last year. While Mr. Darling says this will not be a follow up, it will be a similar process. The difference this year is that Mr. Darling is accepting submissions from all Neverlandians until April 10. At that time, he will chose the script that speaks to him the most, cast the roles with local actors, then put the show up the same week! It’s a fast and furious process, but as Broadway great Leonard Bernstein said, “To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time.” Send your scripts to j.napolean.darling@gmail.com.

When You Wish… What started as something personal has become a little more global for Teresa Delacruz and friends. With the help of Gemma, Anna, Lola, Amanda and her fiancé Neal, our local slayer held a bakes sale at Neverland U to finance her Sanditon honeymoon. While the ladies sold their sweets, they realized they wanted to finance other people’s dreams too. This Friday, Neverland Wish Granters will have their grand opening at the Jolly Roger Soda Ship. They will raise money to essentially give people life scholarships so they can take George Darling’s advice and pursue their dreams. Their first official fundraiser was the 24 hour dance marathon at the Neverland Gym where Neverlandians could work off some of those baked goods.

2020 Census LBGTQ Erasure
George Darling
Mr. Darcy and the Secret of Becoming a Gentleman
Amelie the Musical

Best Tweets Ever
Gemma Willoe @BrilliantBennet Mar 28
Tweet as you would like to be twoten to.

Bleu Retweeted
Cait @PaperFury Mar 29
Internet: Everyone can have their own opinions!
Me: Great because I think–
Internet: no
Me: but–
Internet: no

Tagged with: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Neverspeak
Posted on April 4, 2017

Neverspeak Weekly 3/28/17

Yes, please!  In a completely unsurprising turn of events, JH Media CEO Jas Hook proposed to Advice Doyenne Wendy Darling this past Friday.  The only thing that shocked this gossip columnist about the power couple making it official was the humble quality of the proposal.  At quitting time, while the rest of us were packing up our bags to go home, Jas Hook showed up at Wendy’s cubicle with a big rock and a heartfelt speech.  In the presence of her brothers, John and Michael, and his assistant John Smee, Mr. Hook officially put a ring on it.

March Madness. It seems like everyone has had or is currently having (at this very moment!) a birthday this month in Neverland. Neal’s party was last week, Anna celebrated a couple days ago, and now, in case you missed the memo, everyone is gathered at the Jolly Roger Soda Ship to celebrate Gemma’s big day.  Special someone Anna Berry put it together with the help of Mia Traynor.   Now that my column is out, I’ll be heading there myself.

Game of Thrones? It seems the mystery of the returning fairies seems to have been solved by Sarah Lightly, the former webmaster of the late Kensington Chronicle and current PhD candidate in Fairy Culture. Ms. Slightly moderated a debate this week between local fairy Tinker Bell and the visiting fairy ‘Queen’ Crimson Mab I (the first male ruler in fairy history). Some serious family drama has Tink and Crimson (half-siblings) duking it out for the fairy throne. Apparently, all the fairies you’ve been seeing around Neverland have returned to witness the fight. All hail Khaleesi!

Bake It Till You Make It. Teresa Dealcruz and her fiancé Neal Cassidy will be holding a bake sale this Friday March 31 to fund their honeymoon to the California beach town of Sanditon. Since Neverland has a surprising amount of Sanditon transplants, I’m sure people will want to come out and support the couple. I feel like a day doesn’t go by here in Neverland in which I don’t see some glorious baked good being paraded in front of my nose (and usually ending up in my tummy.) Here’s hoping Teresa taps all that Neverland baking talent to take her sale to the next level!

Save The Last Dance.  I think we are all on the edge of our seats when it comes to the unfolding drama of local dancer Aria Griffiths.  Last week at the dance, she sprouted wings and floated above the crowd (no, it wasn’t the floor show!).   As if that wasn’t enough, this brand new hum cum fairy was immediately thrown into a love triangle involving her longtime flame Charlie Hunter and new dance partner Andy Chambers.  Word has it that Charlie has decided to transfer back to Neverland U…guess this triangle is now a hypotenuse.

Sara Ramos
Which Austen Heroine Are You?
Millenium Falcon
Inspirational Quotes

Best Tweet Ever
Constance Moriarty Retweeted
Chiara @chiara84 6h
6 hours ago
Mansplainers handling advice from Jane Austen: “Elinor Agreed to it all, for she did not think he deserved the compliment of rational opposition.”


Posted in Neverspeak
Posted on March 28, 2017

Neverspeak Weekly 3/21/17

Spring Fling Double Edition!

Suprise! At the behest of one Wendy Darling, Neverlandians gathered in the Pan Cave last Friday to celebrate the birthday of one Peter Pan. Green was the color of the day, not only because of it coincided with St. Patty’s day, not only because it’s the birthday boy’s favorite color, but because the impromptu host got a little green around the gills. Somehow strawberries ended up in the bright green birthday cake which would never be a bad thing except for a pesky little life-threatening allergy. Luckily with some quick thinking (and an epi-pen), Peter was able to keep celebrating to the sounds of Fish Girl Pond and turn his attention to the dessert pizza provided by Pizza Hollow. A slight addendum: my sources admitted their recollection of events might be a little fuzzy given the copious amounts of Pan Punch imbibed during the night.

A Fairy Special Night. For anyone who could see past the tears in their eyes on Tuesday, the reunion of Freddie Wentworth with his wife Jo and daughter Lilly-Jane was a sight to behold. After spending the last few weeks abroad reporting on the refugee crisis in Mosul, Freddie is safely back with his family. Maybe with the aide of LJ’s new mousy tutor Professor Benjy (I’m not being mean – he’s a mouse), Mom and Dad can find some moments for a real reunion. While one group of fairies had a reunion, another had a revelation. If you caught sight of a hovering Aria Griffiths on Tuesday night, you may have assumed she’d had a run in with Tink. Actually, Aria is a fairy in her own right. Amber Poppins and Amy Jolie revealed that they had hidden her in the human world after the tragic deaths of her parents. But, the magic officially wore off on her 19th birthday. Oh to be young and magical…

Like Daffodils…love is popping up everywhere! As always, our Neverland dances are the best place to spot the newest couples. Anna Berry and Gemma Willoe swayed under the twinkle lights looking as cute as they do whenever they’re seen around town. It was Charlie Hunter’s arms around her that caused Aria to sprout wings and fly off the ground. Recovered birthday boy Peter Pan showed up to the dance with a new lady on his arm. Whatever Jane Mannering was whispering to him on the dance floor seemed as sweet as the candies she sells. Sometimes, a partner will bow out but Lola Williams had quite a shock when Newt Scamander apparated right out of her arms. But, sources say, she ended up with a very handsome bottle of wine. Alls well that ends well!

Peace of Cake. There may have been some drama this week, but Bri Valdivia’s bridal shower was not part of it. The event was a lovely celebration of a Neverland couple we all know and love. The bride’s bestie Mia Traynor acted as a master of ceremonies while the guests including Teresa Delacruz, Amber Poppins, and myself sipped champagne and ate way too much cake. Watching how happy everyone was, I will admit I felt a little bit of remorse. It is my job as a gossip columnist to report what people are gossiping on. A few weeks ago, I did that and up until now I have felt justified in doing so. But, I never want a silly piece of gossip to come between two people who really love each other. So, Mr. Parsons and Ms. Carpenter, I apologize for any adverse effect my March 7th column may have had on your relationship. May love always conquer all!

St. Patrick’s Day
dessert pizza
Buffy turns 20

Best Tweet Ever
Rowan O’Connor Retweeted
Chaucer Doth Tweet @LeVostreGC Mar 19
Roses are redde
Noble are manatees
To lyve an examined lyfe
We neede the arts and humanityes

Jump to Ask Wendy for the second part of the Neverspeak Spring Fling Double Edition!


Posted in Neverspeak
Posted on March 23, 2017

Neverspeak Weekly 3/14/17

Some Enchanted Vending… If you haven’t been to Neverland Books recently, it may be worth a visit. Owner Bri Valdivia recently installed a book dispenser that seems to be a bit magical. Word on the street is that it works like a regular vending machine (which by the way, I love the idea of a vending machine for books!), but the books it gives customers are oddly specific. Customer Gemma Willoe received a book about being happily single, while a certain gossip columnist who shall remain nameless got Harriet the Spy. No one knows exactly how this is happening, but there is some belief that fairy magic might be behind it. Given the recent influx of fairies into Neverland, that seems like a pretty good guess! After you’ve finished your spring cleaning, you might as well fill up your book shelf with titles that are tailored to you!

Spring Forward. You all may have cursed the daylight savings gods when you lost an hour of sleep on Sunday, but you know what that extra hour of sun means! It’s time for the annual Spring Fling. This coming Tuesday at 8PM rather than waiting for my column with baited breath, Neverlandians will be donning their finest frocks and dancing the night away. The ball will be the culmination of the Spring Festival in which Neverlandians celebrate the Vernal Equinox with two days of events including the Firefly Festival at the Skeleton Tree and High Tea Mixer held in the Garden of Light. The times of all events can be found on the community calendar. Looking forward to seeing the ensembles as colorful as all these spring flowers!

Bachelor No More. One of Neverland’s favorite couples is making it official! Bri Valdivia and Sheriff Harrison “Tacos” Lestrade are getting married. The couple was engaged during Thanksgiving last year and their April 29th wedding is quickly approaching. But, before the wedding can take place there, of course, has to be a bachelor party. I believe it is my responsibility to make this public service announcement. Stay off the streets on the night of April 14 because the men of Neverland will be having a wild night on the town. But, be warned, boys, the women of Neverland will not be shown up. Bri’s wedding shower will be held this Thursday at 6PM!

Local Initiatives. According to some folks, this column was a little hard on Lola Williams last week. To make up for it, I’d like to plug her new business, Sunny & Lola’s. Lola and her horse Sunday (Sunny for short) are in the business of teaching horseback riding (not boyfriend stealing!).  Teresa Delacruz, known mostly for her talent with the supernatural, has turned her attention to a more literary project. Follow her hashtag #NeverlandReads to hear her thoughts as she reads Jane Austen’s Emma for the first time. Or join her and use the hashtag yourself! I, for one, have read Emma at least a dozen times. I’m not sure why I relate to the character of a meddlesome busybody who gets into everyone’s business so much, but I do!

Too Many Secrets! Buddha once said, three things cannot long stay hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth. We must not have many buddhists in Neverland because it seems like everyone has a secret these days! And for a GOSSIP COLUMNIST this is very frustrating. So, now I’m going to frustrate you readers, and the chain of deception will continue to be forged link by link. Wendy Darling may be gathering forces for a secret project (apparently involving pizza), Amy Jolie may be revealing a well-kept secret at the upcoming Spring Fling, and Nanny Ams may have had a secret rendezvous with a charming chimney sweep in the Garden of Light last week.  Who knows?

Spring Fling shopping
the gender gap
Young and Hungry
Trumpcare vs. Obamacare
PI Day

Best Tweet Ever
Shelby Loren Scott♡ @SimplyShelbs16 Mar 12
“If you obey all the rules, you’ll miss all the fun.” – #KatharineHepburn
#journal #Sherlock #EdSheeran #mine

Tagged with: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Neverspeak
Posted on March 14, 2017

Neverspeak Weekly 3/7/17

Baby, Baby. In addition to new residents, Neverland will be welcoming even newer faces by the end of this year. If you haven’t already heard, Sarah-Jane Mason and her husband Alfie are expecting twins. The word on the street is that Jas Hook himself signed off on their future monikers, Ava and Aidan. Make those connections early! This crafty columnist also got an exclusive with Mia Traynor who just announced that she and her hubby Eli are expecting as well. Both future mother and father are looking forward about their impending parenthood. Mia admits to some trepidation, but assures us that Eli is ready to go. “He is excited to teach his progeny his cowboy ways,” a glowing Mia giggled. Congrats on the great news, cute couples! Better you than me.

Whatever Lola Wants… While some couples are coming closer together, others may be falling apart. Multiple sources have reported seeing Wesley Parsons horseback-riding with blonde beauty Lola Williams at her new riding school, Sunny & Lola’s. According to one concerned observer, “Lola, as she calls herself, offers riding lessons, but she’s very hands-on.” Apparently, Mr. Parsons has been less than honest with his girlfriend Juliet Carpenter about these meetings. A word of caution to both parties, in a town as small as Neverland, you can never keep a secret for long.

Light ‘Em Up. Michael Darling led a tour of the Garden of Light for interested Neverlandians this week. While tours are usually populated by, well, tour-ists, it was great to see the locals really appreciating one of our proudest treasures. Teresa Delacruz loved being in the Garden so much that she made it the location of her Halloween wedding to Neal. The Gardens are always exquisite, but recent developments have made them even more spectacular. Droves of fairies have been showing up in Neverland and taking up residence in the park. This is unusual at this time of year given that it is not December and we aren’t all singing showtunes. (Ask Sarah Lightly more about Fairy Songification if you are new to Neverand…)

Making Magic. The Neverland fire department has had their fair share of cats in trees, but they probably haven’t had a call quite like this one. According to her mother, Lilly-Jane Wentworth accidentally turned her favorite teddy bear into a real live feline. Though she’s only just turned two, the littlest member of our favorite fairy family can already fly and is “startlingly good at anything magic she tries.” Jo isn’t quite sure if the bear will remain a cat or not. With husband Freddie Wentworth in Europe helping fairy refugees and her own commitment to med school, Jo has certainly got her hands full. If the magic can’t be reversed, this bear-turned-cat may be in need of a new home!

Window to the Soul. If you haven’t already joined, there is a new dating app in town. JHMedia and the K-Chron have teamed up to release Open Window. For now, the website will be locals only, but knowing JHMedia, it will soon be worldwide. While competitor Tinder sends your swipes into oblivion, Open Window actually keeps track of how many Neverlandians have opened your window (and how many haven’t.) “It’s the worst kind of popularity contest,” said one disgruntled single. But others don’t seem to be bothered by the game. A grinning Jane Mannering admitted that she’s kind of obsessed with the app. “It’s almost as addicting as these chocolate covered gummy bears!” Just make sure to note what your looking for, so you don’t end up on a date that’s not a date, or a hangout that is!

Mary Poppins Returns
Spring Fling
Anastasia the Musical

Best Tweet Ever
Teresa Delacruz @neverlandslayer Mar 3
“Dear @Lin_Manuel, do not throw away your shot! Please come to Neverland. Your obedient servant.”


Tagged with: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Neverspeak
Posted on March 7, 2017

Neverspeak Weekly 2/28/17

OK-Chron! Everyone in Neverland is so excited to see the new changes in the Kensington Chronicle. A pleased Sheriff Tacos was overheard saying, “I still can’t believe what they’ve done to our paper!” Well, believe it. Neverland’s favorite son, Jas Hook has taken your beloved paper and brought it into the 21st century! Soon all the world will be reading about the very important topics we cover here at the paper. Why would anyone want to create a petition called Disinfect the Chronicle to return the paper to how it used to be? Why would anyone want to do that? Beats me.

Good Bye? On February 16, Neverlandians gathered to bid farewell to one of the town’s most beloved figures. George Darling has retired – completely voluntarily – from his post as Editor in Chief at what used to the Kensington Chronicle. He happily “passed the baton” in his words to the “magnanimous” Jas Hook who attended the party along with all the other Darlings. Though some people were crying into their root beer floats, Mr. Darling was all smiles as he proclaimed, “It just so happens that today I’m starting my all cake diet.”

Ask Her. Neverland’s favorite advice vlogger, writer, and redhead will be taking your questions tonight at 10PM Eastern time. As you know, Wendy Darling has remained on the recently edited staff here at the K-Chron. You can ask her anything, anything at all. Having followed Ms. Darling’s career for years, I know she is great at coming up with answers for everything from existential crises to romantic entanglements to really awkward questions about why one’s boyfriend might take over one’s family’s company only to completely change everything about it and stomp on the first amendment.

Newerlandians. Walking around town I’ve been glimpsing some new faces here in Neverland. We’ve got a psychic in town – which is great because I’m sure we’d all like to know how long we’re going to have to put up with this crazy guy who is messing with everything we hold dear. I’m talking about President Trump, of course. Please tell us it won’t be another 4 years, Heavenly Imagine! Also Jane Mannering is manning the cashier at Skull Rock Sweets, Codamae Elizabeth is sipping tea at Straight On Till Morning, Enya Rose is hosting Dance Fitness Parties, and Sarah Lightly is annoying Tinker Bell wherever she goes.

A Family Affair.  While crabbing in the Bering Sea for the last few weeks, I discovered a latent passion for marine biology. I’ve returned to Neverland not only to work at this glorious new version of our old paper, but also to apply to grad schools. This requires lots of studying musty old books rather than studying you.  I’ve always considered Neverland to be a great big family.  A great big family full of people who love each other, watch out for each other, and know all each other’s secrets. If you guys could help me assemble this column by sharing juicy tidbits and heartwarming stories you’d like to see posted, please DM me or use the Got Hot Gossip? form on the Neverspeak Weekly Page. With your help, I can keep this column cooking along with the crabs. So. Many. Crabs.

Beauty and the Beast
the seven ‘dwarf’ planets

Best Tweet Ever
Calum Marsh @calummarsh Feb 27
In true form, La La Land only won Best Picture in a fantasy moment shared between former lovers imagining wistfully what might have been.

Tagged with: , , , , , ,
Posted in Neverspeak
Posted on March 1, 2017

Say Neverspeak Three Times…

…and it shall appear! I, Morgan Skylights, have once again returned from walkabout, this time to the frozen tundra of Alaska! We may be undergoing a regime change at the newly re-forged K-Chron, but one thing you can expect to stay the same is my weekly coverage of all the Neverland rumors that are fit to print. So keep your eyes glued to this space, dear readers: starting next week, Neverspeak is back in earnest. Same Neverspeak time, same Nevesrpeak channel.

Tagged with: , , , , ,
Posted in Neverspeak
Posted on February 21, 2017

Neverspeak Lastly?

As you all know, there have been a few changes here at the Chronicle in the last couple weeks. The good news is our new owner Jas Hook has assured us that we all still have jobs. The other news is that we aren’t totally sure what those jobs will look like. As JH Media takes over operations, Neverspeak Weekly will be taking a brief hiatus to “retool, reimagine, and reignite.” Though I am a great fan of alliteration, those are Mr. Hook’s words, not mine.

I cannot tell you how much I have enjoyed writing about the goings-on in Neverland this summer. What started out as a job became a true pleasure as I started to think of you less as subjects and more as friends. Since I don’t know when this column will be back up and running, I would like to use this last edition as a moment to reflect on an amazing summer in Neverland. Below I have pulled some of my favorite gossip items from the last 11 issues.

Scandalous!?  Neverlandians’ reactions were mixed to the first publication of this column.  There was a lot of support but also some uncertainty.  Just know that we here at the Kensington Chronicle are trying to shake things up and add a new dimension to our beloved Neverland.  No one knows what that crazy, free-spirit of a gossip columnist Ms. Skylights will be up to next!

A Lovely Night. Neverlandians gathered on Thursday night for the 2nd Annual Midsummer Ball. The night was a smashing success. Though some townsfolk worried that this sophomore outing wouldn’t measure up to last year’s festivities, they were soon mollified and amazed by this year’s ball-to-the-wall bash. With the help of Lily Bagha’s generosity and the Party Planning Committee’s dedication, Neverlandians enjoyed more music and more spectacle than ever before.  Check out the photospread below for the ball’s fierce fashion!

Love Bugs. No bugs had to be planted by this gossip columnist to pick out the couples in the room on Thursday night. Everyone wants their Cinderella moment at a ball, and, happily, a large amount of Neverlandians got just that! Juliet and Wesley were seen sharing bites of ice cream, a charming cowboy made a last minute appearance to dance with a book shop belle, and Bri was seen dancing with Agent Tacos back early from his assignment. And in the most romantic moment of the night, Sarah-Jane Lakewood received a proposal from her boyfriend Alfie.

Taco Time! Bri Vivladia, Agent Tacos and friends had a Taco Night this past Friday on Big Bear Rock. Sources say it was mostly couples sipping on sangria and taking in the beautiful summer night. Eli Traynor escorted Mia Rivers, Juliet Carpenter brought Wesley Parsons, Nanny Ams came with Bertie Screener (before he was scared away by some overly friendly Fate Stalkers.)

Holy Mole-y! The Fate Stalkers have been out in full form braving the summer heat for love. (Though maybe it isn’t so brave since they carry their shade around with them.) Most Neverlandians were happy to see them out and about, but some thought they were getting a little bushy – I mean, pushy. Word has it things got heated between the Stalkers and Bertie Screever after he threw a banana peel into a shrub-covered Stalker. However, things have a way of working out. Through this altercation, the Fate Stalkers met their newest member, the recently inducted Dole the Mole. As far as we know, this is the first animal Fate Stalker.

New Sheriff in Town. G. Harrison Lestrade has been offered the job of Neverland’s Deputy Sheriff pending a background check. But, since he comes directly from the FBI, that shouldn’t be a problem! While we’ve had to say goodbye to a couple of Neverlandians, we are excited to welcome him and accountant Wesley Parsons (who’s looking for a roommate!) to the community full time.

Hearty Party. Everyone had a great time at the Jolly Roger Soda Ship 100 year Anniversary Party. Aimee and Katie served up an endless supply of delicious sweets and treats. Throughout the day patrons answered trivia about the shop’s history in between socializing and listening to a set by Fish Girl Pond. Neverlandians in attendance included Wesley Parsons, Juliet Carpenter, G. Harrison Lestrade, Bri Valdivia, Mia Rivers, Nanny Ams, Teresa Delacruz, and many more.

Neverspear In Love. This is why we love being Neverlandians! Everyone in town turned out to support Peter Pan in his artistic pursuit this past Thursday. Auditions took place on Wednesday, and with only a day’s notice actors took the stage the next night. John Darling, Michael Darling, G. Harrison Lestrade, Teresa Delacruz and Rowan O’Connor joined the cast along with Mr. Pan while Elsa Fairy, Lorelie Williams, Fish Girl Pond and yours truly helped bring the production together. Everyone celebrated a job well done with a toast at the Jolly Roger after the show.

Sign Language. Wendy Darling started her book tour here in Neverland last week. Locals lined up outside of Neverland Books to get their hands on some of the first copies of her new book “Ask Wendy!”. The local, soon to be national, celebrity was gracious and charming as she signed books for everyone who showed up and a few extras for those who couldn’t be there.

Beyond the Pale.  Even though it’s the end of summer and most of us are sun-kissed or just downright red, there have been a few new residents of the paler variety. Maybe they’re Scandinavian? But I never knew Scandinavians to have such a thirst for tomato juice. Well, thankfully, Teresa Delacruz seems to know how to keep those Scandinavians in line.  And don’t worry, she’s back from her vacation to Chicago with Neal.  Even Scandinavian wranglers need a little fun in the sun.

My Fair Soiree. As expected, Ms. Lakewood’s engagement party was quite the event! The guest list included Cecco, Ed Teynte, her roller derby crew, Marvel executives, Chris Pratt and Mermaid Lagoon. Neverlandians in attendance were Wendy Darling, Jas Hook, Sheriff Lestrade, Bri Valdivia, Nanny Ams, and Fish Girl Pond. The surprise of the night was when Special Guest Julie Andrews came out of retirement to sing to the couple.

PS (Perfectly Single). Not knowing that this might be the last Neverspeak for a while, I promised a Singles’ edition. I felt it was more important that I devote this article to a retrospective on the column. But, I do have a few words for the singles out there. Embrace your status because you are in the best position to prepare yourself for a great relationship. As one of my heroes, Lucille Ball, once said, “Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”

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Posted on September 8, 2015