I’ve QUIT WORKING AT THE K-CHRON!

If you’ve reached this page… these are archived posts of when I gave the best advice in the world!

You can now come see me at The Garden of Light.  I’ll give you a tour you won’t forget!

Hello Darlingites! Michael Darling here ready to drop knowledge, wisdom, advice, and nacho cheese flavored awesomesauce all over your lives!

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Dear Darling – SELF HELP!

Dear Darling,
Hey Michael it’s Michael! How are you? Never mind I know exactly how you’re doing – you’re freaking out! Everything is changing and I don’t know what to do! Today I saw John wearing a wrinkled shirt. A WRINKLED SHIRT!!! If that is not a clear sign that these are the end times than I don’t know what is! So I guess my question to me is…How do you stay calm when you have no friggin’ idea what will happen next, and down is up, and right is wrong, and good is bad, and you’re completely OUT OF CHEESY POOFS!?!?!?!!1

Sincerely Michael Darling.

Well, Michael I can tell by your punctuation that you are A) very handsome B) very cool and C) super stressed out.  And my advice to you is…I DON’T KNOW!  And what do I do when I’m lost?  Watch cartoons!!! So please enjoy this advice:

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Posted in Dear Darling
Posted on September 9, 2015

Work vs Play

How do you manage work and play? My personal experience has been a bit sketchy, especially nearing exam times, and I would like to hear your advice.

-Zoe

This is an awesome question Zoe my darlingite!  Especially when everyone is getting ready to head back to school!

We all have important things that we have to do.  You have to do your homework, you have to clean your room, you have to organize your dvd collection by ability to make you laugh so hard milk comes out your nose.  But it’s also important to LIVE!  It’s important to go outside and play tag with the squirrels, to try every ice cream flavor they have at the Jolly Roger Soda Shop , to puke rainbows because you ate 40 pounds of ice cream, to have FUN!

But you have to have balance.

Many of you know my brother John.  A while back, he was in a place where work was his number one priority.  He would work 25 hours a day, yes 25.  He was so efficient that somehow he managed to get an extra hour out of every day!  It was driving him crazy!  And then you have my, old friend, Peter.  Peter was so focused on only doing things he thought were fun that he lost his job.  If you give work too much time, you’ll isolate yourself from the rest of the world.  But if you abandon all your responsibilities, you’ll disappoint the people who are counting on you and end up just as alone.

Later in life, you can find work that actually makes you happy!  I love talking to all of my darlingites, so work and play are sorta the same thing!  For now, while you’re in school, just make sure you keep that balance!  Try rewarding yourself for spending an hour studying by drawing a picture of your teacher and his goofy tie!  Or maybe read the chapters your assigned outside to get some fresh air!   Whatever you do, keep it balanced 🙂

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Posted in Dear Darling
Posted on September 2, 2015

Dear Darling – Lies

Dear Darling,
I have a friend who may be a compulsive liar. She tells me things that I know aren’t true and I’m getting tired of it. But she is also very sensitive and I know if I confront her about it, she’ll react very negatively.
What is the best way to approach her without hurting her too badly?
-Concerned Friend

I think there’s a couple of things you need to ask yourself. Are you a concerned friend, or are you a tired, frustrated friend who wants to catch her in a lie so you can pull an “in your face” moment and the cafeteria will erupt in applause and everyone will give you their chicken nuggets??? Sorry, I just woke up from the weirdest dream… But I think it’s a fair thing to think about. If someone is lying to you, they’re not being a good friend. And if you’re unwilling to clear the air because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, you’re not being a good friend. I mean sure, we could go into great detail about setting up a hidden camera and an elaborate scheme of catching her in a lie, but what would be the point – as awesome as that sounds, it would be hurtful. If you don’t feel comfortable enough to say “I don’t believe you” then there’s more wrong with this friendship than a slew of untruths (that’s a fancy way to say lie – I got a synonym app!)

If you really want keep this friendship going, and you simply can’t stand listening to them talk about their 2nd trip to Mars, then you need to confront them. Privately. Someone who is unhappy enough to live in a fake reality doesn’t need any public ridicule. Be open, be patient, be sympathetic and try to find out why they lie. Yeah, it’s gonna be awkward…VERY awkward. But if sitting through a couple of really uncomfortable conversations seems like too much, then maybe this friendship isn’t meant to last. But if you can swallow that fear and show them that you care about them, the real them, you might just end up with a lifelong camaraderie (synonym: friendship).

Posted in Dear Darling
Posted on August 27, 2015

Dear Darling – Being Yourself

How are you so free? You are always yourself, no matter what anyone thinks of you. Every time I try to be myself, people tell me exactly who I should be and what I should do with my life. It feels like I’m twenty different people trying to please fifty. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even know who I am anymore. It’s been the cause of my depression for almost two years and I don’t know what to do. I just want to make everyone else happy.
-Emily
Anytime people try to tell me to be less me, AKA less AWESOME, I just watch their mouths move and replace all the words with “Wah wah wu-wah wu-wah” and nod until they walk away.

 

Haters gonna hate man! As long as the you YOU are isn’t unkind or destructive or harmful to anyone else – DO YOU! You’ve exhausted yourself trying to make other people happy; it’s time to get rid of 19 of those 20 people pleasers and pick the person you wanna be. It’s not gonna happen overnight either. Finding the happiest you can take time. Imagine if Goku stopped at Saiyan and never went Super Saiyan?

 

Just do me a favor, put yourself first sometimes. We shouldn’t put ourselves first all the time – that’s a one-way ticket to I’m a Jerk Town. But if you always put yourself last and try to be someone just to make others happy, you’ll be the number one resident of Bummed Outville. So take a deep breath and start tuning out anyone that says who you are isn’t enough.

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Posted in Dear Darling
Posted on August 19, 2015

Dear Darling – She loves me…not?

How do you get over someone who you liked but didn’t like you back?
-PersonNeedingMichael’sWisdom
Well, PersonNeedingMichael’sWisdom, first of all…What an awesome name!!! I mean, how crazy is it that your mom named you PersonNeedingMichael’sWisdom?? What are the odds?!?! There are no coincidences, only things that happen by total random chance, so I am excited to be the Michael that offers the wisdom you need!

Second of all, this is rough. I know it’s hard to believe, because I’m so muscular and handsome and funny and charming, but this has happened to me. (GASP) We don’t have as much control over how we feel as we’d like to think we do and sometimes you see someone and BAM! Feelings just pounce on you, like a…like a TIGER! But we have even less control over how other people feel.

The most important thing to remember is that it isn’t a reflection on how good or bad you are. Sometimes our brains are jerks and tell us that if So-and-So doesn’t like us, then we shouldn’t like ourselves. Well that is dog poop! Don’t listen to it! You take that thought and you throw that right in the trash! Who knows what the other person is thinking, don’t over-analyze it, don’t get all macho (or girl-cho?) and become angry at them. They are not required to like you back. And odds are, there is someone around who does like you and hasn’t told you yet, and seeing you deal with rejection badly might totally turn them off.

Chin up. Literally. Walk tall, walk proud. Realize that you will be enough, NAY, you will be excessively awesome for someone else. And until that time comes you’re just gonna keep getting better and better. And maybe that person who wasn’t into you will come running crying “Wait! Wait! I see it now, you’re the most amazingest, there will never be one more cool, give me another chance!” and you’ll just tip your sunglasses and say “Sorry, that ship has sailed” and walk away in slo-mo.

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Posted in Dear Darling
Posted on August 12, 2015

Dear Darling – Healthy Friendships

Dear Darling
I have recently undergone some changes due to health issues and I am having a hard time communicating how difficult it is to my friends. These health issues have required a complete lifestyle change and adjustments in normal activities requires forethought and planning and adjustments which I don’t feel I am receiving from my friends. What should I do? – Vicky Knowledge
It sounds like you’re dealing with TWO things! Possible even THREE THINGS! But don’t worry, my dearest Darlingite! I took an online night class on multi-tasking!

First off, you’re probably still adjusting to your new health conditions yourself. Sometimes when we undergo personal changes it can be stressful and we can feel alone. Second, you mention communicating has been hard. There can be a lot of reasons we have a hard time talking about medical problems, it can be very personal and the words can be very hard to pronounce. Third, you’re not seeing your friends making the effort to adjust.
You know what I think? (Of course not! If you did you’d be psychic!!!) I think there all CONNECTED!


Because you’re having a hard time telling your friends how hard your new life is, they don’t understand how much you need them! It might be difficult, but you need to have a heart to heart with them. You should open up about your struggle, maybe have a get-together at your house specifically to talk to them and answer questions, make it a party! You can call it: Vicky Knowledge’s Awesome Friends Awareness Party!!! And be ready Miss Knowledge, not every person is as cool and amazing as us. Some of your friends might not make the changes as quickly as others, some might not compromise at all. But think of this as a good thing, you’d rather have a few truly amazing friends than a bunch of jerks who are only thinking about themselves.

Medikidz.com
PS- If you’re having trouble finding a fun way to teach your friends about your health condition, check out Medikidz. It’s a comic book series designed to help people understand and teach others about a bunch of different medical conditions! It’s fun and educational (which sounds like an oxyclean moron, but it is fun I swear!). They’re written by some nerdy kid named Shawn DeLoache…his name sounds kinda familiar. Maybe he was in my night class online!

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Posted in Dear Darling
Posted on August 5, 2015

Dear Darling – Long Distance Friendships

Hello! Long time reader, first time writer. So, how do you manage to stay close to people when long distance is a problem? A lot of my friends are going off to college far away, and I am terrified of growing apart because of distance. Thank you!
-Ysabelle
@fandomfeline

 

Hey Ysabelle! I too have been reading a long time so we’re basically the same person, I shall now call you Michael 2. Ironically, which is the correct use of that word, Michael 1 (me) has been having a very similar problem. My sister moved away because she got a job making oodles of money doing what she loves. Which is great, for her, I guess. And your friends are probably super excited about their new schools. It’s important to give the people we love room to be happy. Sometimes that means seeing them less and even talking to them less.

You can only control you Michael 2, so do your best to stay involved! Social media has given us the ability to be close to people we’ve never even met (did you know you can tweet @ the president??) so use those super powers to stay up to date with your friends! And don’t forget the mailman! Or woman. Mailperson! They don’t only deliver boring things like important looking tax papers addressed to your brother than you keep forgetting to give him. They also deliver packages!!! There is LITERALLY nothing more exciting than getting a package. Fill a small box with a few of their favorite things, little things to remind them that you still care, and mail it out.

But at the end of the day, the easiest way to make sure you don’t grow apart, is to talk. Answer your phone, return missed calls, reach out to them, and I promise Michael 2, it’ll make a big difference.

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Posted in Dear Darling
Posted on July 29, 2015

Dear Darling – Mommy Issues

Dear Darling,
My mother and I used to get along just fine but lately I’ve been feeling irritated about EVERYTHING she does. I think she’s actually trying to make me feel stupid. Should I talk to her about this or try to ignore it? HELP!
Ilana

Never fear, for Michael is here! Sometimes family can be the most magical, functional thing in your life. And other times? It can make you wanna scream until that little dangly thing in the back of your throat comes flying out of your mouth like a broken punching bag! But at the end of the day, they’re still your family. Friends come and go, girlfriends move to Canada, but family…that’s it man!

I say talk to your mom, and be honest! It’ll help her understand why you’ve been short tempered. Hormones are crazy, friggin’ mind demons my friend. And if there’s one thing that pamphlet from my hot school nurse taught me, it’s that they don’t stop raging after your teens. Give your mom a fighting chance to know what’s going on, and to not to take everything you say personally.

Plus, there’s a chance your mom is acting a little crazy. Maybe she’s having a hard time with work, maybe other parts of the family are stressing her out, MAYBE, just maybe she’s an undercover assassin for the Intergalactic Space Squad and her alien target just escaped to Russia! Just talk to her. Parents often try to hide their problems from their kids to protect them, but if you really want your relationship to get closer to where it was before, it’s got to start with some honesty.

I recently went through something similar with a family member and trust me; acting like nothing has changed only makes things worse! If she had just….they, if they had just talked to me, things would have been a lot easier.

Well that’s my 75 cents for the day! Get some good snacks (I have several recommendations if needed) and hunker down for a good talk with mom.

Posted in Dear Darling
Posted on July 21, 2015

Dear Darling – Summer Friends

Dear Darling,
So excited you’re going to be answering questions now! I’m on my college campus over the summer working, but my usual group is gone. What are your best friend-making tips?

In Need of Friends

Ahh summer time. A time for sunshine and sun tea and COMPLETE AND UTTER BOREDOM BECAUSE EVERYONE IS ON VACATION. It’s hard when you’re friends leave town. You want to go to the movies and get ice cream and burgers and ice cream burgers (patent pending) but with who??

 

Owl by myself Making new friends is never easy, but meeting new people while knowing that your regular compadres will be back in town in August can seem extra hard. So here it is Darlingites:
MICHAEL’S TOTALLY AWESOME GUIDE TO MAKING SUMMER FRIENDS QUICKLY WITHOUT BEING WEIRD OR AWKWARD
(or for short, M.T.A.G.T.M.S.F.Q.W.B.W.O.A.)

Tip 1: Work Friends
You said you are working, which using my innate sense of perception, tells me that you have a job. Unless your job is sitting in a room alone and pressing a giant red button every time the purple light comes on, you probably have co-workers. Use them! Talk to them! Find out if you have any similar interests, ask if anyone wants to grab some fries from that cool place where they bring your food to you on roller skates. Bring in donuts! Everyone likes donuts! You might just find out that you’ve been working with friends this whole time without even realizing it!spongebob

Tip 2: Clubs ‘N Stuff
Maybe everyone you work with is lame, or maybe you don’t wanna mix work and free time (I get it, I don’t like to mix pizza and peanut butter before 6pm). If that’s the case, then you need to explore new worlds, seek out new friends and new civilizations, to boldly go…to a book club or something! With the help of our best friend, the internet, you can find all kinds of activities! People who like to go on exciting outdoor adventures, groups that go to different restaurants and rate their mashed potatoes on a scale of 1 to Life Changing. If your campus doesn’t have a great activities calendar or you’re not finding the right fit, check out sites like Living Social! The key is, once you’re there – start a conversation. Get to know the people around you, and BOOM! New Summer Friends.

Tip 3: Follow up and Follow Through
None of these tips will work if you don’t answer your text messages!!! Sometimes when we’re sad and missing people, we can shut down and turn off. If someone you met at that free fencing class you found on Groupon sends you a text asking if you wanna hang out, say YUSSSSSSSS! That awesome, cool new friend you found could disappear pretty quickly if you never actually follow through on making more plans. On the flip side, when it comes to people responding to your friendship advances, take Cia’s advice and have a rubber band friendship heart. Wait about 2 and half minutes wondering if they’ll reply to your text about grabbing pizza and then MOVE ON! Summer is short, and no one wants to spend it staring at their phones (unless it’s to watch Dear Darling Vlogs of course!).

friendship toystory

So there you have it the M.T.A.G.T.M.S.F.Q.W.B.W.O.A.! Making new friends during the summer can be really exciting. Who knows! You might meet a new friend that totally jives with your regular crew and they’ll all thank you for making the group even better! And Hey, if it turns out your summer friends aren’t all that great – you’re old friends will be back soon!

Michael OUT!

Posted in Dear Darling
Posted on July 15, 2015

Dear Darling – Major Decisions

Dear Darling,
I’m heading off to college in the fall, and am not sure what I want to major in.  I have high test scores and am interested in something Science/mental-health related.  I also really love theatre, but don’t want a degree for it.  All I want to do is help people; to make them feel better and get them what they need.  Psychology maybe? What do you think?  I’m just sort of scared of all the work I’d need to do, but changing someone’s life would be worth it. Right?
Sincerely,
Elyse Meyers

HI ELYSE, you’ve done the right thing turning to me for advice on this matter…this decision can AND WILL affect the rest of your life, and I can’t think of anyone more qualified to answer than fdskjlfadsf …sorry, I choked on a go-gurt and my hands sort of freaked out.

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Now, as an advice columnist I’m basically a psychiatrist already…a doctor of the mind…a surgeon of the soul and a dentist of the heart removing cavities of pain and replacing them with fillers of joy. (Sorry, I went to the dentist today. I got dinosaur stickers for being such a good flosser!)

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But enough about me and more about the brilliant advice I can give you. Look, I’m not big on hard work, BUT I am big on being HAPPY! It sounds to me like you know what makes you happy… and that’s helping people… and if a little hard work now will lead to a job that makes you happy for the rest of your life…

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Till next time Darlingites!
Michael

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Posted in Dear Darling
Posted on June 24, 2015

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