News Archives

Neverspeak Weekly 4/11/17

Will You Marry Me…Right Now? Last Friday night, while the rest us were wondering why we don’t have a better social life, the most romantic thing ever was happening across town. In the woods outside his new house, Wesley Parsons proposed to Juliet Carpenter. According to some local fairies, this was only the beginning of a magical night. The moment Julie said said yes, a select group of family and friends popped out of the bushes (why are there always bushes whenever anything romantic happens in this town?). The groom and the group put on a surprise wedding for the pair complete with full wedding regalia, a delicious feast, and an intimate reception.

They’re Not Gonna Take It. Neverlandians across town are seething about the recent changes at the K-Chron. In a bold move, Jas Hook fired advice columnist and ex-fiance Wendy Darling, assistant to the editor John Darling, and whatever-she-was-this-week Lily Bagha, a close friend to the Darling family. CEO Jas Hook explained that what happened was not at all personal but a purely business decision.  He explained, “The K-Chron needs to go in a new direction and the Darlings are holding it back.” This hasn’t stopped the rallying cry of “Save the Darlings!” from taking the streets and shops of Neverland. The Neverland Wish Granters even changed their grand opening on Friday to a #SavetheDarlings Solidarity Party.

Ferris Approved. Neverlandians turned out last Wednesday for an 80’s themed bash celebrating Enya Rose’s birthday. Teresa decorated local pizza joint Shakey’s with posters of famous 80’s movies and lots and lots of neon. Leg warmers, parachute pants and tutus all made a comeback and the night ended with a screening of the classic John Hughes film “The Breakfast Club.”  In case you didn’t get enough partying in, just a reminder that Agent Taco’s Bachelor Party is happening this Friday at 7PM! Don’t think it’s 80’s themed, but I’m sure Mr. Bueller would still be on board.

Play It Again, John. John Darling isn’t letting unemployment get him down. After reading a pile of awesome submissions, the once-editor-in-waiting has chosen to produce “The Wedding Crashers” by Teresa Delacruz and Gemma Willoe. Casting will take place this week. If you’re interested in auditioning, tweet to @JNDarling indicating which character you’d like to play, with the hashtag #NeverlandAuditions, and then present a monologue of your choosing. See below for details on the characters! Please submit your monologue no later than 11 p.m. this Thursday, 4/13. The show will take place this Saturday, April 15th, at 6PM Eastern followed by an after party of epic proportions. This is one Neverland event you do not want to miss!

CHARACTER BREAKDOWN

Pandora – our brave heroine, in love with Westley, she must fight for her love
Westley – ruggedly handsome, in love with Pandora, but duped by Jasmine
Jasmine – the villain, that vile witch which keeps these lovers apart
Bear Moon – the man in the moon, who shines the truth on deception
Tiger – anyone who is willing to dress up in a tiger costume
Clergyman – this is self-explanatory

Trending
#13reasonswhy
Sinking Ships
introversion
#Syria
webkinz
Refugees Got Talent
#SavetheDarlings
Twelfth Grade

Best Tweet Ever
Gina Retweeted
JenAshleyWright @JenAshleyWright 21 Jan 2015
More
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Tagged with: , , , , ,
Posted in Neverspeak
Posted on April 11, 2017

Hook is Back

My fellow Neverlandians: longtime readers will be aware that our editorials are traditionally written by John Darling. Well, you may have heard that Mr. Darling is no longer with the K-Chron. A few other familiar faces have been let go as well. Honestly, ever since I took the reins from George Darling, I have had struggles with some of our legacy employees. I’ve been trying to take the paper in a brave new direction, and some people were just a little too entrenched in the old way of doing things. Sometimes taking a ship in a new direction means manning it with a whole new crew.

You may have also heard that my engagement to Wendy Darling is off. I want to say, I truly believed everything I wrote about Wendy in my last piece. I thought she felt the same way, but apparently I was wrong. It appears that no matter where I go, or what I do, people wind up finding reasons to hate me. I’ve tried to be everybody’s friend for so long; it’s things like this that make me wonder why I bother.

I tried to strike a balance between the way George ran the paper and the way I wanted to run it. I tried to ask my employees what they wanted to cover and our readers what they wanted us to cover. But I was fought every step of the way, to the point of insubordination and outright contempt. Suffice it to say, I’m done asking for people‘s permission for me to run my newspaper my way. Hook is back, ladies and gentlemen. The Hook who built a media empire out of nothing, all by himself. I didn’t need anybody then, why would I need anybody now?

Tagged with: , , , , ,
Posted in Editorials
Posted on April 10, 2017

Neverspeak Weekly 4/4/17

Hail to the Chief. After a well-deserved vacation, Neverland’s own version of George Bailey made a triumphant return to his version of Bedford Falls. As always, the venerable editor-in-chief of the now defunct Kensington Chronicle had words of wisdom that inspired everyone he came in contact with. Jacqueline Viana said, “What I learned from @GDarlingEIC today: FINISH YOUR SCRIPT. PITCHING IT IS ANOTHER STORY, BUT FINISH IT. #BestPepTalk. Khaleesi in Asgard said after her run in with the GD, I REALLY need to get back to work on my novel. Finish that first draft ONCE AND FOR ALL. Jessica James summed up George’s new retirement point of view, “Happy thoughts on creating without fear – and rethinking adulting.” Even though it has been hard to go on without Mr. Darling, his absence has seemed to make our hearts grow fonder.

Fight and Flight. Ever since Aria Griffith’s dramatic fairy transformation at the Spring Fling, lips and wings have been flapping about the tiny dancer. Unfortunately, this seems to have put a strain on her relationship with her best friend Anna Berry. Multiple sources have told this gossip columnist that this have gotten a little explosive between the two. Of course, things seem to be rather explosive in general around the brand new fairy – fairy puberty is nothing to joke around about. Remember middle school? Well, just add magic. And wings. Godspeed, Aria!

Work Hard, Play Hard. Some Neverlandians will be surprised to hear that the K-Chron’s John Darling will be producing a local play. Many will remember Peter Pan’s smash hit, Panlet from last year. While Mr. Darling says this will not be a follow up, it will be a similar process. The difference this year is that Mr. Darling is accepting submissions from all Neverlandians until April 10. At that time, he will chose the script that speaks to him the most, cast the roles with local actors, then put the show up the same week! It’s a fast and furious process, but as Broadway great Leonard Bernstein said, “To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time.” Send your scripts to j.napolean.darling@gmail.com.

When You Wish… What started as something personal has become a little more global for Teresa Delacruz and friends. With the help of Gemma, Anna, Lola, Amanda and her fiancé Neal, our local slayer held a bakes sale at Neverland U to finance her Sanditon honeymoon. While the ladies sold their sweets, they realized they wanted to finance other people’s dreams too. This Friday, Neverland Wish Granters will have their grand opening at the Jolly Roger Soda Ship. They will raise money to essentially give people life scholarships so they can take George Darling’s advice and pursue their dreams. Their first official fundraiser was the 24 hour dance marathon at the Neverland Gym where Neverlandians could work off some of those baked goods.

Trending
2020 Census LBGTQ Erasure
George Darling
Mr. Darcy and the Secret of Becoming a Gentleman
#NeverlandBakeSale
#gethimtothecave
Shakey’s
#aurora
Amelie the Musical

Best Tweets Ever
Gemma Willoe @BrilliantBennet Mar 28
More
Tweet as you would like to be twoten to.

Bleu Retweeted
Cait @PaperFury Mar 29
More
Internet: Everyone can have their own opinions!
Me: Great because I think–
Internet: no
Me:
Me: but–
Internet: no

Tagged with: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Neverspeak
Posted on April 4, 2017

The More They Stay The Same

People of Neverland, Jas Hook here. My darling Wendy recently brought it to my attention that her family’s local newspaper has been floundering. This news kicked me back on my heels, and spurred me on to do something about it; not just because the Kensington Chronicle matters to Wendy but because it matters to me. I, too, read John’s editorials week in and week out, and take no small source of pleasure from Michael’s Dear Darling videos. What’s more, even though I’ve spent the better part of my life far from the town I first called home, an important part of my heart has always been in Neverland. For a long time, I was the only out-of-state subscriber to the Chronicle. Shipping a copy to New York on a daily basis is not the cheapest proposition in the world, but being the CEO of a massive global conglomerate like JH Media does occasionally have its privileges. Honestly, my advisors recommended against acquiring the Chronicle; “It doesn’t make any sense,” they told me, “Not from a financial standpoint.” Well, I’ll tell all of you exactly what I told them: JH Media is about more than just what makes “financial sense.”

I didn’t really know Mr. George Darling very well in high school, but I’ve spent a great deal of time with him on my most recent visit to Neverland. And I’m happy to report that he’s every bit the charming, local hero that the paper makes him out to be. His passion for the Chronicle is unmatched (except, perhaps, by that of his son John), and I’m proud to say that more than a little of that passion has rubbed off on me. Like George said in his last editorial, the Kensington Chronicle is a Neverland institution. And as such, I want to inform everyone that JH Media maintains a commitment to making as few changes as possible. With that in mind, for as long as he’s willing and able, there will always be a place for Mr. George Darling at the helm.

I know that John Darling, editor of our online edition, is a prototypical Neverlandian in his reluctance to embrace change. It’s my understanding that he’s not been taking the paper’s sale particularly well, which is why he hasn’t written any editorials for the past several weeks. But I want to make it clear that I know John’s aversion to the new status quo has nothing to do with me or my company; John and I have enjoyed nothing but the most cordial of relationships since I came into his sister Wendy’s life. I think John is just having trouble wrapping his mind around the fact that the family business is no longer all in the family. But I have no doubt that John will come around, and his position will be waiting for him when he does. Because, as a longtime reader, I understand that the Kensington Chronicle needs John Darling as much as he needs it.

So take heart, people of Neverland: your beloved local newspaper isn’t going anywhere. If anything, I’m committed to making the Kensington Chronicle better than ever. I’d also like to invite your input during this period of transition, to make sure we’re putting out a paper that meets, and hopefully even exceeds, your needs. Despite my complicated history with Neverland, in my heart it’s always been my home. It is an incredible honor to shepherd my favorite local paper into what I know will be a new era of prosperity, and I’m fully aware of the great responsibility that that entails. Your stories are the heart of Neverland, constant readers, and we’re going to keep telling your stories. Because I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Tagged with: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Editorials
Posted on September 9, 2015

Dear Darling – SELF HELP!

Dear Darling,
Hey Michael it’s Michael! How are you? Never mind I know exactly how you’re doing – you’re freaking out! Everything is changing and I don’t know what to do! Today I saw John wearing a wrinkled shirt. A WRINKLED SHIRT!!! If that is not a clear sign that these are the end times than I don’t know what is! So I guess my question to me is…How do you stay calm when you have no friggin’ idea what will happen next, and down is up, and right is wrong, and good is bad, and you’re completely OUT OF CHEESY POOFS!?!?!?!!1

Sincerely Michael Darling.

Well, Michael I can tell by your punctuation that you are A) very handsome B) very cool and C) super stressed out.  And my advice to you is…I DON’T KNOW!  And what do I do when I’m lost?  Watch cartoons!!! So please enjoy this advice:

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Dear Darling
Posted on September 9, 2015

Neverspeak Weekly 9/1/15

Party Patrol. There was a lot of build-up to Sarah-Jane Lakewood’s NYC engagement party this week. After she enlisted security help from Teresa Delacruz and Sheriff Lestrade, the Neverland Fate Stalkers were called to expand their normal matchmaking duties to include public safety. They may be lovers, not fighters, but Neverland stayed quiet except for a few rustling shrubs.

A Michaelstone! Kensington Chronicle’s resident advice columnist and vlogger Michael Darling celebrated his 100th episode of Dear Darling this week. His unique blend of heartfelt advice and off-the-wall antics have made for quite a run. Here’s hoping he’ll have a hundred more great episodes – maybe guest starring his sister and new boss-in-law Wendy!

My Fair Soiree. As expected, Ms. Lakewood’s engagement party was quite the event! The guest list included Cecco, Ed Teynte, her roller derby crew, Marvel executives, Chris Pratt and Mermaid Lagoon. Neverlandians in attendance were Wendy Darling, Jas Hook, Sheriff Lestrade, Bri Valdivia, Nanny Ams, and Fish Girl Pond. The surprise of the night was when Special Guest Julie Andrews came out of retirement to sing to the couple.

Editor-in-Grief. If you have been keeping up with the paper through this difficult transition, you may be missing a certain voice. If the Kensington Chronicle is the heart of Neverland, then John Darling is the heart of the Kensington Chronicle. We here at the paper miss his passion and commitment, and look forward to his return! Now back to my absolutely filthy desk…

All My Single Landies! A certain gossip columnist promised to feature sexy singles in her column sometime. Well, carpe date ’em! If you’d like to be mentioned, DM me with a little bio about yourself and what you’re looking for in a significant other. Summer’s coming to an end, and as that crisp fall weather approaches, we all deserve someone special to cuddle up to.

Trending
#NationalDogDay
Taylor Swift
Feminist Tweet
#CabinTime
President Trump
RIP Wes Craven
#YouNow
Teddy Lupin

Tagged with: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Neverspeak
Posted on September 1, 2015

Shuffling Paper

Pop culture has done a lot to romanticize the notion of a captain going down with his ship. Now, that might be an honorable decision once you’ve gotten everybody to the lifeboats. But if your crew’s still onboard, it’s the captain’s duty to keep the ship afloat at all costs. Even if that means ceding control of your boat to someone better equipped to stay its course. Okay, let me back up for a minute, because this metaphor is getting unnecessarily dramatic.

George Darling here, longtime Editor in Chief and owner of the Kensington Chronicle, writing to explain why I’m not the paper’s owner anymore. As many of you have no doubt already heard, I recently sold the Kensington Chronicle to JH Media. After considering all the options, I found this to be the best one for everyone involved. But just because it was the right choice, the only choice, doesn’t make it any easier for me, or for my family. The Chronicle has been owned and operated by a Darling since my ancestor Kensington founded it in 1862, after all.

Now, the question on a lot of your lips is probably, how did it all come to this? Well, in recent months, I’ve been candid on the Twitter about the paper’s financial difficulties. And, truth be told, I wasn’t making the situation out to be quite as dire as it even was. We were maybe just a few months out from me having to close the doors to the Chronicle for good. And the fact of the matter is, I’ve got my employees to think about, some of my closest friends and kin, and some of the best newspapermen and women that I’ve ever had the pleasure to work with. They’re the crew members I talked about in the boat metaphor, the ones I can’t bear to see go down with the ship with me. But even more than that, The Kensington Chronicle is a Neverland institution. When we’re at our best, we’re providing the kind of relevant, hyperlocal news that I truly believe every Neverland resident has an inalienable right to. So even if there wasn’t a whole staff of people whose livelihoods depended on the paper staying open, I couldn’t be so prideful as to deprive my community of its lifeblood just because I don’t want to see another man’s name on the masthead.

Mr. Jas Hook, owner of JH Media, and now, by extension, the Kensington Chronicle, has a reputation as a bit of a shark in the corporate world, but I think that reputation is undeserved. For the better part of the past year, my daughter has been working at JH Media’s corporate headquarters in New York City, and what Jas has done for her since she got there, both personally and professionally, is something I don’t think I’ll ever be adequately able to thank him for. And this was by no means a hostile takeover, not by a longshot. I wouldn’t even say it was the best of some bad options. Ultimately, I believe it’ll be a privilege to work for and with Mr. Hook, and that the JH Media name will give our local rag more resources than we’ve ever had before. I’ll still be in charge of the day-to-day operations at the paper, and I’ll tell you this much: Not that much is going to change. Not if I have anything to say about it. Guess pretty soon we’ll see just how much my word still counts around here.

Oh, and lastly, a few of you have been asking after John. I gotta tell you, he’s taken the news of the Chronicle sale harder than anyone. Harder than I ever could have anticipated. Suffice to say, me writing this week’s column was about more than me wanting to have a heart-to-heart with all of you loyal readers out there; John is also not in a great headspace at the moment. I suspect he’ll resume his regularly-scheduled editorials soon, as he starts to come to grips with the new status quo around here. He’ll be okay, we’ve weathered worse than this. But thank you all for your kinds letters, on his behalf and mine.  We’re all still here, and we’re going to work just as hard for you as we did before. Because when you get right down to it, no matter who’s signing our paychecks, The Kensington Chronicle is about Neverland. And outside of my family, there’s nothing in this world I love more.

Tagged with: , , , , , ,
Posted in Editorials
Posted on August 31, 2015

Panlet

Last night, former Kensington Chronicle cartoonist Peter Pan mounted a production of his “original” play “Panlet” at the Neverland Community Theatre.  For those of you who were not fortunate enough to attend, we’ve archived the performance here:

CREDITS

WRITTEN/DIRECTED BY
Peter Pan

CAST

Peter Pan as PANLET
Michael Darling as DANGERPANTZ
John Darling as JOHN-THE-STERN
G. Harrison Lestrade as THE GHOST OF PANCULES
Teresa Delacruz as QUEEN GWENDOLYN
Rowan O’Connor as JAS HOOK
Morgan Skylights as NARRATOR

MUSIC BY
Fish Girl Pond

MAKEUP/SFX BY
Elsa Fairy

ANIMAL WRANGLER
Lorelai Rosewill

SPECIAL THANKS TO
The Neverland Community Theatre
The Jolly Roger Soda Ship

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Neighborhood Stories
Posted on August 7, 2015

Neverspeak Weekly 7/28/15

Ten Delicious Decades! As mentioned last week, the Jolly Roger Soda Ship is celebrating its 100th anniversary tomorrow, July 29th. The crew will be hosting an all-day party at the shop with yummy treats and music from Fish Girl Pond. In addition, shop owner Aimée Jolie will be posting an extensive history of the shop, chronicling its decades-long presence in Neverland and it’s ever-evolving role as a gathering place throughout the tumultuous twentieth century in America.

Reality Bites. Since the return of Jas Hook and Wendy Darling to Neverland, some Neverlandians have been tuning into the JHMedia Livestream to learn more about the company (and feed their curiosity about the power couple). Last Thursday those same Neverlandians witnessed a shocking confrontation between Hook and Neverland’s favorite son Peter Pan. Peter came across as, for lack of a better word, a bully. It will be interesting to see how he handles his new notoriousness.  Is the play really the thing?

Get me to the Church… Sarah-Jane Lakewood set a date for her nuptials to fiance Alfie. Neverlandians, mark your calendars for August 15, 2016 in New Orleans, Louisiana. Should be a hot ticket! As in literally very hot. August in Louisiana hot. Lakewood says invitations will be going out soon. Don’t give her honeymoon advice if you want to make the list!

Changes of Heart (and Location). Teresa Delacruz has relocated to New York City with her boyfriend Neal. Though everyone will be sad to see less of her, we wish her the best with her new life. And if you’ve stopped by Neverland Books lately, you’ve probably noticed that Mia Rivers still has not returned to her post. You only have to look so far as her tumblr to find that she’s currently residing at a crossroads between Neverland and Denver.  Though not always an easy thing to do, try to follow your heart where it leads, Mia!

New Sheriff in Town. G. Harrison Lestrade has been offered the job of Neverland’s Deputy Sheriff pending a background check. But, since he comes directly from the FBI, that shouldn’t be a problem! While we’ve had to say goodbye to a couple of Neverlandians, we are excited to welcome him and accountant Wesley Parsons (who’s looking for a roommate!) to the community full time.

Local Blues. Neverlandians were dismayed to read last week’s editorial in which John Darling, assistant to the Editor in Chief, opened up about the Kensington Chronicle’s financial difficulties. As a recent hire, this gossip columnist found the the article especially distressing. However, it’s been encouraging to watch Neverlandians gather around the paper in support. Many citizens have pledged to pick up subscriptions and the Neverland Care Center guaranteed that copies of the Chronicle would always be available in its waiting room. Keep supporting local news!

Trending
@VidCon
Mermaid in Chelsea Creek
NASA’s New Earth
#TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
McKellan and Stewart Recite Swift
Northbound Series
Lafayette Shooting
#SaveKensChronicles

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Neverspeak
Posted on July 28, 2015

Growing Apart

Recently, I had the opportunity to attend my sister’s welcome home party, and I was struck by the melancholy realization that the older we get, the more and more quickly things change. I’ve known Wendy for literally as long as I can remember, and for so many years, whether we liked it or not, my siblings and I were inseparable. Dozens of photo albums’ worth of important milestones came and went in the blink of an eye, and I watched my siblings grow up so gradually that I was scarcely aware they were changing at all. But after she’s spent a mere 6 months, Wendy’s made herself a new life in New York City, filled with a cast of unfamiliar characters, and that realization has forced me to come to grips with just how much I’ve missed her.

Of course, Wendy isn’t the only person guilty of moving on. It’s shocking how quickly Neverland sans Wendy has become the new status quo, for all of us. Michael stepped in to replace Wendy at Dear Darling. Wendy’s duties as surrogate mother to Michael have fallen to me. Our friend Lily even took Wendy’s place as Peter’s girlfriend. The circle has closed, and everyone in it seems perfectly happy. And yet, I wonder how much of that is a carefully crafted self-delusion that we all share.

I’ve been so excited about Wendy’s book and all that that means for her that it’s blinded me to the reality of my own feelings about the void she left in all our lives. Much to my own surprise (and dismay), the reception Wendy received from both Michael and myself at her triumphant homecoming was downright chilly. And the bizarre notion of Wendy being a visitor in Neverland just brings out in stark relief how off kilter everything’s been in her absence. I’d hoped her return would bring us all closer together, but instead some things have come to light that threaten to drive a wedge between lifelong friends.

Now, change isn’t always a bad thing. I recently wrote an editorial about how Neverland’s own Jas Hook pulled himself up by his bootstraps and improved almost every aspect of his life. Though, in his case, he did have to move away and leave everything he knew behind in order to do so. And, to be clear, I don’t in any way begrudge Wendy her desire to forge her own destiny; she’s amazing, and I’m truly thrilled that the world at large is starting to see that. I just hope that Michael, Father and I factor somewhere into that success. And that our family and our friendships can stay the course in these stormy waters.

Tagged with: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Editorials
Posted on July 16, 2015

want to add an event? click here

Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
29
30
31
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
1
2

Weather in Neverland, Ohio

C

°F

Today: °F / °F Thu: °F / °F Fri: °F / °F
Top